Saturday, December 28, 2013

Depression around the holidays

It took me a while to decide whether or not I really wanted to post about this.

Not everyone knows, but I have been struggling with my depression and anxiety a lot lately. Certain events in life are proving to be more than I can handle, and I find myself holed up in my room more often than not. I had an appointment scheduled with my doctor for today to talk about increasing my meds, but unfortunately, I was unable to make it.

I have been feeling more and more like I'm in over my head. I know I am, and I'm okay with that. I am doing what needs to be done for my family, and will continue to do what needs to be done. I just need to figure out a balance and a few other minor details need to be worked out. Once it's all said and done, life will be that much more calm. But in the meantime, there are bumps, traps, and blockages in the way that I am having to maneuver around.

One of the main ones is the fact that a certain person decided to call CPS on me. This is the same person who had the nerve to call me a car seat Nazi, amongst a few other things, then block me. Long story short, I'm sure she's feeling bad about her life, and saw me in a vulnerable position. Friends who know her said that this is not uncommon for her. I'm not her first target, and I likely won't be her last. It's alright because the worker who was assigned to our case is nice, and is very helpful in making sure that I have the help I need and the resources available. Some that I wasn't even aware of. Blessing in disguise, I guess?

A lot has happened lately that made my depression spiral worse and worse. I have feelings of being left out intentionally when it comes to family things. I don't hear from some family members as often as I thought I would. Mainly my brother. I miss him, but I refuse to always be the one to initiate contact. I may not be working outside of the home, but I am extremely busy at home with 6 kids now, and it would be so nice to just see a "Hey sis, want to get together" text every now and then. I haven't seen him in a while, and we don't even live that far from each other.

Gaining a ton of weight after giving birth to my youngest has caused a lot of damage to my self esteem as well. Usually, you give birth and you lose weight. Especially if you breastfeed. It didn't happen that way for me. I lost some initially, but found myself more hungry the more I nursed. The more hungry I was, the more I ate, naturally. The more I ate, the more I gained. Which also lead me to discover that I was a "bored eater". I was bored, so I ate. Especially since I used to smoke, food became what occupied my hands and mouth. Fast forward a few years later and I can't fit into my favorite jeans. The same jeans I wore when I was pregnant with Gianna. I still have them in hopes that one day, I'll fit back into them. I'm also discovering that pants that were too big on me at one point are no longer too big. In fact, they're starting to get snug. I hate the idea of New Years Resolutions, because why put off later what you can do now, but let's be honest ... I'm enjoying the junk food I'm allowing myself for the rest of the year. I'd like to be back to my prebaby body by summer. Or at least a few pounds closer.

Seriously, I love Christmastime, but at the same time, I am starting to really resent the holidays. It just makes me realize what I am missing out on. I miss my mother. I miss the family get-togethers from when I was a kid. Where everyone was included. I miss still living at home and seeing my brother daily, even if he drove me nuts. I miss just fitting in. Being a part of something. Yes, I have my own family now. I fit in here at home. But its just not the same. I just can't wait for all the holidays to die down. I want to start working on me. I *NEED* to start working on me. Starting with my happiness.

For now, I will settle on being in the rut I'm in. Soon, it will change. It just needs some time to work itself out, and the meds to kick in. There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel, and I will start working on finding it soon. Let's just hope it doesn't take too long to find it.

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