A visit from CPS??

My apologies for not blogging recently. I truly appreciate all of the emails and FB messages from fans who were worried that something was wrong. Truth is, a lot was wrong. I struggled with writing this, as this is something that is VERY personal. But, I figured I'd get it out.

A few months back, I took custody of 3 of my cousins. Because there was an active ACS (Administration for Children's Services) case in NYC, I assumed that when CPS came knocking on my door that it was a case transfer. I had no reason to believe otherwise, and our worker was very nice. He explained to me that he was just here to check up on the kids, and make sure they were receiving the care necessary. G was enrolled in school, all three had their first check up with a new doctor, they had their own sleeping space, clean weather-appropriate clothes, plenty of food, no concerns from him.

The first visit from him was back in late November. Which is what made me believe that it was a transfer from the ACS case. He gave no impressions that it wasn't. He came, explained that he was here to check on the girls, and we spoke a bit about the situation. Because we were still adjusting to a family of 8 instead of 5, life was a bit hectic. I still had the girls' clothes in the foyer because I was trying to find a dresser or another thing to keep their clothes in. Not only that, but there were toys and books all over. We had an appointment, so in order to make it on time, we rushed out and left the toys and books all over the place. When we returned, our worker was here waiting for us.

Of course, since we left without picking up the mess, I knew what was waiting on the other side of the door. I did tell D, our worker, about the mess. He said nothing as we went into the house. He took a look around. I took him into the kitchen to show him the fridge and cabinets that were full. We went up to the room where the girls were sleeping in so that he could see that they did have a bed. We went into my oldest daughter's room so he could see where my kids were sleeping (Gianna in her crib, Sofia in her bed, AJ on his mattress on the side of Sofia's bed). I showed him the bathroom where the toilet was clean, toilet paper was stocked, and we had plenty of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, along with toothbrushes and toothpaste. We came back downstairs to the living room, playroom, and foyer. We discussed the toys and books around, and talked about what I could put the girls' clothes in. His conclusion? Nothing out of the ordinary, but because the girls are new to me, he would come by and visit while the case was still open. Sure, not a problem.

Fast forward a few months. Tuesday, March 4th- Apparently, while I was out and about taking care of things, D came by for a visit. He left his card in the door and had wrote what time he came and asked me to call. I called him as soon as I got the card (6pm, even though I knew the office was closed). I left a message, but I didn't receive a call back the rest of the week. I did call him a few more times just in case he was still waiting for me to call him. Monday, March 10th, I finally got a phone call from him. He apologized for not getting back to me as he was out of the office, but wanted to set up another visit. Sure, not a problem. We scheduled it for that same day, once the kids were home.

Shortly after the kids came home, D came over. I let him in, and we did the same ol' routine- check the fridge, cabinets, bedrooms, bathroom, living room, play room. After that, we stood in the foyer and chatted. It was only at that time that I found out this was not a transfer case. I was asking D for help in getting G into therapy. Since ACS mandated it in NYC, and I have custody, I have been trying to call the mental health clinic to get her in. They never return my calls. I told D about this, and asked if he could help me. He asked if I called ACS to ask for their help. I told him I did, but they said that they transferred the case up here and I needed to speak with our local worker, so I was asking him for assistance. He informed me that he was unaware of the case being transferred. I said to him "So, this is a transfer case? Someone called on me??" and he replied "Well, I'm not a long term caseworker. I am a 'someone reported you so I need to investigate' worker."

Hmm, well, that changes a LOT of things. At that point, I knew what had happened. And I know EXACTLY who it was who called. I turned to my husband and said "Well, that explains a lot. I should have known." D asked if I had problems with someone. I told him about this person who called, told him about the FB messages she sent me, and the jealousy I'm sure she is feeling which is what prompted the calls. I read a few of the messages to him and told him why I suspected her. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell me who it was anyways, as he isn't allowed to, but he didn't have to. The look on his face said more than enough.

So, I guess the only thing left to do is thank the person who called. Yeah, you read that right. I can only say "Thank you" to her. Why? Because D has a HUGE role in helping the courts determine who should have custody of the girls. Because YOU decided to call on me, with ridiculous claims, the court ordered custody should be finished faster than without it. Because YOU decided to call on me, I don't have to worry about whether I'm not providing or doing enough for them. You have also opened up a whole world of assistance for me. Even though he is closing the case as "unfounded", when I need help with services for these girls, I am able to call and D will do what he can to make it easier. Why did I not think of calling myself!?

Oh, and P.S.- It's NOT "child abuse" to still nurse your 2.5 year old. Nor is it abusive to keep said 2.5 year old rear facing, or the 7 year old in a 5 point harnessed car seat. But thanks for your concern!!

Cry It Out??

In one of the many mom groups I'm in, one of the moms had posted that her baby doesn't sleep through the night (STTN). She just wanted to commiserate with other moms who know what it's like to be up at all hours of the night because baby still doesn't STTN. What she had said was that she just wanted to know that she wasn't the only one. Well, instead of people commenting and saying things like "They're only little once!" or "He'll sleep through the night eventually!", they were insisting that she needed to do CIO on the baby. A baby who is only 5 months old. Yep, you read that right. FIVE months old. 

One of the commenters had this to say:
So let me ask u this.... 1. Is he waking up to eat? 2. He is 6 months is he a healthy weight? 3. Have u tried sleep training? I was so tired and back to work I needed my baby to sleep. I use to nurse at 8 pm them 12am then 4am then 6 am. At 4 months wegot rid if the 2 am feeding. Sleep training 3 days if crying and a few hard nites for me. Then at 6 months we got rid if the 12 am feeding. Then he slept from 8pm to 4am. Then back to sleep. Have u tried anything like this? Every baby is so different but I couldn't give in.... I couldn't afford being up all nite. Good luck mama!

Remember, this baby is only 5 months old. The mom wrote this in response:
At next dr appt we are discussing sleep training. He's waking up to eat- not to snuggle. He houses the boobies! To all you moms out there that work and do this at night- you're my hero. Thanks for the sleep training tips.

Now, I don't know about you, but if my baby was waking up to eat, I sure as hell wouldn't be denying them food. This is a genuine case of the baby being hungry, as mom admits. I couldn't stay silent any longer, and I posted this:
 I guess I'm going to be the "bad guy" here to say this. But, babies should not be forced to STTN until they are ready. My daughter is almost 20 months old, and STILL does not sleep through the night. They will not STTN until they are ready. Cereal before bed won't help. Again, they will when they are ready. "Sleep training" is honestly nothing more than teaching your babies that you will not be there for them. The reason it feels so wrong when you subject them to it is because it's not natural. It goes against everything we are supposed to do, and that's to comfort them. They don't cry to be manipulative. They cry because they need something. Whether it's nutrition, or comfort. 
PLEASE read these links before deciding to CIO.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/7-things-parents-should-know-about-babys-cries
and
http://mybrownbaby.com/2011/12/cry-it-out-the-method-that-kills-baby-brain-cells/

It definitely made me the bad guy because people left and right were bashing me for stating the truth. CIO is dangerous. It is terrible. Your baby cries and cries for you, and you ignore them. You are telling your baby that you don't care about them. That their needs aren't important. That you don't want to be bothered by them. And to me, it's irresponsible parenting. When you chose to have kids, you chose to sacrifice things- sleep being #1. If you are REALLY that tired, then you can hire a babysitter to watch your kid while you take a nap. Or ask your parents, in laws, siblings, or even your significant other.

What bothered me the most, is this screen shot I'm about to share. Whether you are pro-CIO or against it like I am, you can't read that and actually think it's okay. Remember, this baby is only FIVE months old.

Seriously?! Who puts in ear plugs AND turns the monitor off?! A friend and I were saying that she might as well have gone to a hotel. At least then, she would have gotten better sleep. She wouldn't have to worry about the ear plugs falling out. What really gets me is, what if something was GENUINELY wrong with the baby?  What if he got his leg stuck in the crib slat? What if he threw up and inhaled it? What if someone broke in? A fire started? Anything?! I can only hope that while she was being selfish, and ignoring that poor baby, that her husband went in there and consoled him.

I posted this picture on my personal wall, and on my FB page as well. I wanted to get reactions from parents to see what they think. I asked a friend to post on her page also. Almost everyone agreed that this was irresponsible and selfish. Another friend asked if she could post on her page. The comments she received surprised me. Some of them thought it was perfectly fine! I am just not sure I could ever agree with it.

I am well aware that we all have different parenting styles. I am well aware that what works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. And I try not to judge those who do things differently than I do. But some things that people do are just downright dangerous. I try to educate those around me about things I learned. I  welcome new information with open arms. I always strive to improve my parenting so that I can raise my kids to be successful, productive members of our society. When I see things that are dangerous, I feel the obligation to inform so that the parents/caretakers can take the measures necessary to improve the situation. I know, in a situation as such, this is something that a mandated reporter would HAVE to report. I'm sure people in the group are mandated reporters, and I am 100% sure that none of them reported her. As a matter of fact, everyone who commented after her congratulated her for making it through the night. I wonder how it would have went, if something tragic happened? Would people still congratulate her for getting her precious sleep? Would they congratulate her for not caving in, regardless?


Personally, I have done a modified CIO with my older 2. I never let them cry for longer than 10 minutes, max. But I did try to have my kids self soothe. It just didn't work, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how often we went through this at night. They never just laid down and went to sleep. Not until they were ready. It was like a switch. I can't recall their exact ages when they STTN, but they were a bit older than one. For the record, I did not attempt any modified CIO until they were closer to one. I would never do it to a baby younger than 10 months, and even then, it really depends on the baby. However, ear plugs in and monitor off? Not a chance.

I would love for your input on his. Leave a comment and let me know if you agree with CIO. Why or why not? Have you ever done it? How did it make you feel? Would you ever do it again?