The worst feeling of my life

The other day, AJ had his therapist appointment. What happened shortly before the appointment had me so shook up and upset that I haven't been able to really write about it. It also just happened to be my mother's birthday, so it made it even worse of a day for me.

AJ's appointment was scheduled for 1:00. At about 12, we started to get ready. Gianna likes to run around and play when I tell her it's time to get dressed. She thinks it's a game. In order to get her to actually calm down enough for me to change her, I have to lay down with her and rub her back. While we were laying down, we heard footsteps. Not knowing whether it was AJ or Sofia, we pretended to be asleep. Complete with fake snoring. Playing into it, AJ was pretending to struggle with waking us up "Oh gee, mom is asleep. Gianna too! Wake up, sleepyheads!" Gianna replied "NoooooOOOO!" which lead to him saying yes, and them going back and forth, getting louder each time. I was still laying there, on my belly, head turned towards Gianna. At one point, Gianna screamed really loudly. I saw AJ's hand come over my head, and I assumed he was going to rub her back to get her to calm down. But his hand didn't stop on her back. He had it up near her face, and I thought he was going to pat her mouth while she was yelling (to make the wah-wah-wah sound).

Boy was I wrong. What I saw horrified and scared me half to death. His hand certainly was up by her face. He had put his palm on her mouth, and his fingers over her nose so that she couldn't breathe. Not only was he covering her mouth and nose, he was shaking his hand. I *KNEW* it was intentional. I flew up as quick as I could. Watching my baby, who simply adores her brother, panic and her eyes get wide in that split second scared me. AJ? He had NO remorse whatsoever. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied "I wanted her to stop screaming." When I asked him if he realized that he could have suffocated her by doing that, his response was a matter-of-fact "Yeah, and I don't care. I just want her to stop screaming." This wasn't the first time he's done that. I saw one other time, but thought I was seeing things, so I didn't say anything to him. I wish I did, because the fear in Gianna's eyes broke my heart. I sent him to his room, as my main concern was calming Gianna down and getting her dressed still.

It's frightening to see my go from happy and playful, to mean and intentionally harming his little sister. I brought it up with the therapist, and she talked with him a bit about it. He said that he was mad at himself for hurting her and wanting to kill her, but he didn't really care. He still had no remorse. He talked about it as if it were no big deal, all the while, playing with the toys the therapist had in the room. She mentioned that she feels he may be depressed, and wanted to talk it over with the RN who is in charge of his medication. We finished with her, and went to the RN. I told her all over again about how it happened, how it was all very sudden. No more than 2 minutes from the time he came in my room to the time he covered her face. The fear on G's face, the panic that set in, the lack of caring from AJ. We talked about how his mood is just getting worse and worse. We increased his Ritalin from 20mg up to 30mg. His Risperidone is still the same- 1mg in the morning, 1mg in the evening. Hoping this is the correct combination now. Watching Gianna be so nervous around AJ is not fun. She adored her big brother, and always wanted to be next to him. It's heart breaking to watch her cower in fear when he's around. It's sad that I can't even run upstairs to get something without having to bring her because I just don't know what he might do. I have never had this much fear in my entire life.

To make matters worse, the 15th would have been my mother's 55th birthday. It was hard enough trying to get through the day, but then to add that on top of it. Later that day, we had soccer practice for Sofia, and I had to try to make it through the fear and upset from the afternoon, the birthday of my mother, and then Sofia started whining that she didn't want to play soccer. Too bad it was already paid for. I am making her play this season, then if she decides that she still doesn't like it after it's over, then she doesn't have to play anymore. But, I am not having her quit before she even gets started. AJ's practices are on Tuesdays, and he likes it so far. Teams will be assigned either next week or the week after. Hopefully they each have someone on their teams that they know. Would make it a lot more enjoyable for them.

In any event, it is almost 2AM here. I have some planning to do tomorrow because in one week, my baby will be two. Her party will be here before I know it. Time flies so fast.