Saturday, December 1, 2012

Do you ever get so overwhelmed ...

That you just can't stand it? That's where I'm at right now. Ever since having Gianna, I've been a wreck. I don't think it's PPD, as it's more in response to my sons issues. He started acting up shortly before Gianna was born. After she came along, it only got worse. We assumed it was jealousy, and that he'd get over it. Well, we were wrong. He hasn't 'gotten over it'. In fact, he's only gotten worse. He adores Gianna, and is really great with her most of the time. So this is beyond jealousy.

But what does that have to do with being overwhelmed? Well, I am on Zoloft to help me deal. And when I don't take it, every little thing irritates me. I am not proud of it, and I often hate myself for it after the fact. But I just can't HELP it when it happens. I try and try to hold it in, but that only makes me more upset and more full of rage and anger. So, I yell at my kids, I slam drawers and doors. I stomp my feet. I scoff under my breath. Any time I get like this, NOTHING can snap me out of it. Literally nothing. Not even Ange trying to be the voice of reason to make me feel better. It just doesn't work.

What happened today? I am not sure, honestly. All I know is that I asked Sofia to PLEASE stay down stairs for an hour so that if I happen to doze off, that Gianna would be okay. I am exhausted, which only makes my problem worse. Anthony has taken to watching a new show on Netflix (new to us) called Breaking Bad, and it's actually REALLY good. So, instead of being a normal human being and going to bed at a decent time, I stay up to watch it until he's done. Which means we go to bed at 1, but I'm awake until 2 or 3, listening to him snore or trying to convince myself that I really am tired. Yesterday, I struggled to stay awake long enough to go to our WIC appt, and drive back home. It really was hard. Today, it was more of a struggle as I went looking for a certain car rental place (I'll explain that one in a bit). It took me a while to find it, and by the time I did find it, I was even more tired, and really irritated. I did errands all day, and every stop I went to along the way meant I had to spend more and more money. It was a little depressing. So, as the errands were completed, the money went as well. It hit me hard as I realized that the $60 that is left in my bank account is not enough for ANYTHING. Not for Christmas presents, not for a new coat that Sofia desperately needs, not for boots that fit AJ, or boots for Gianna. NOTHING.

Maybe my ass is depressed. Maybe I need something stronger than the Zoloft. Maybe I need a higher dose. I do know that I need some help with these kids. And I'm so exhausted that I lost my train of thought. UGH Anyways ... I asked Sofia to PLEASE stay down here to keep an eye on her. Just for an hour. It was a little after 4, I just wanted to close my eyes until 5, and not worry about Gianna getting in trouble. It wasn't the fact that she didn't want to (after all, what 9 year old really wants to sort-of babysit their 1 year old sister?), it was the fact that she hastily WHINED about it "I don't want tooooooooo. I just wannnnnnnaaaaa goooo upstairrrrrrs." Complete with the pouty face, looking down, and bouncing as she whines. Reriously?? Get out of my face. I've had it. Go to your room, and don't come out. She wasn't even doing anything. G was just sitting on the couch, leaning against me. I'm sure she would have fallen asleep too, but just in case, it would have been nice to not have to FORCE myself to stay awake. I could have caved in, even for just an hour. Nope, mom can't get that. Then AJ started with his crap- jumping around, making snide comments to Sofia (ha-ha, you're in trouble. neener neener.) Reriously again?! You too, get out of my face and take your butt to your room. Don't come out. Then, as I'm trying to get G a bottle of milk, she starts SCREAMING and climbing the gate. RERIOUSLY?! You too now??? Soooooo over this. I took her off the gate, kind of muttered something under my breath about how it must be nice that the hubby is at work and out galavanting around without the kids when he gets out, yadda yadda yadda.

The final straw? The thing that REALLY set me off?? I called Walgreens to see if my prescription was called in yet- the Zoloft I haven't had for a week and definitely need it. The pharmacist says no. IT WAS NEVER CALLED IN!!!! I called on Monday, and was told it would be called in within 24-48 hours. I lost it and broke down in tears. I know this is not me. I need help. I can't stand feeling like this. I hate feeling like my kids are on my nerves. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to me. Luckily, the pharmacist said there was an Rx on hold from a little over 2 months ago when my insurance was saying I wasn't eligible and had no coverage. Thank God they didn't toss out the prescription. I text hubby and tell him that he needs to take one of the kids with him, and also pick up my pills. I need them for tomorrow, and I refuse to act like a royal bitch for one more day. I am over this nonsense, and I want to feel like myself again. I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed to the max, and I am just slowly losing myself.

Now, as to why we need a rental car ... my car has been acting funky lately. The check engine light came on a while ago. I took it to my brothers and he tinkered around with it. He says he didn't do anything to it, but the check engine light went off after he fiddled around. It was off for a while afterward. We assumed the problem was fixed. Nope, it's back with a vengeance. Gianna has an appointment with her hematologist for her blood disorder on December 6th. I'm afraid my car won't make it the 70ish miles we need to go to get to the Children's Hospital where her specialists office is. So, since my car is getting to that point where it isn't even worth it to fix it up anymore, I figured it'd be a better move to rent a car for the 5 hours or so we'd be traveling to and from, and the time spent at the appointment. Well, every place we've looked at requires a $300 deposit, and remember what I said ... we have $60 left in the bank. That means no rental. I spent $30 on a Camshaft sensor at the recommendation of my stepdad, so I'm REALLY hoping that's all it needs. He will be putting it on tomorrow, and if that doesn't work, then I am going to bawl my eyes out. 

Anthony has never been to one of Gianna's appointments, so he isn't 100% sure what goes on. He already took the day off, but if it comes down to it, he'll have to go to work, and my father will have to drive G and I up there. It would mean the world to Anthony and I for him to finally be able to go to one appointment. So, I'm hoping that changing the Camshaft sensor works. If not, I might just have to sell one of my kids. Or start a donation fund. Anyone wanna contribute?! silly

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