Friday, October 12, 2012

Where is my perfect life?

A while back, I had a breakdown. I had been off my meds for a while because something happened with my insurance and I just couldn't afford the cost of the meds OOP. As I stood in the kitchen, attempting to make lunch for G and I, it hit me. She would not stop crying. She wouldn't let go of me. She just would. not. stop. At that point, I realized: this is not the life I envisioned for myself. I did not want to be a SAHM. I did not want to be responsible for 3 kids. I especially did not want to be responsible for children with special needs. I envisioned myself with a rich husband. One who was perfect, so that we would have perfect children. Blonde haired, green eyed, well behaved, healthy children. Instead, what I got was a husband who isn't rich by any means. A child who is an instigator, very strong-willed. Another who has ADHD, ODD, and SPD. And one more who has HS, and possibly asthma (we're still not 100% sure due to her age). I stay at home, with no friends. No motivation. My house is a mess, I rarely cook. 

After I had my breakdown, I decided to do what I could to get those meds. The damn PO must have intercepted one brave attempt. No one local was on the same dose that I am, and couldn't give me enough of theirs to equal my dose for a few days without taking a significant hit in their need. I called around, and after 2+ weeks of no meds, found a place that had a one month supply for $4. As soon as the pharmacy filled it, and I paid, I took a dose. I didn't wait to get to the car. I didn't even wait to be outside of the store. I stood right there, and popped one pill. It obviously wasn't an instant change, but I knew it would kick in soon. And I was looking forward to it. I'm sure my kids were looking forward to it as well. When Sofia came home from school, she said "Oh! New pill bottle. You must have found a place to fill it for you." She seemed happy. It was at that point that I decided I was going to try to see the positive in everything. Keyword, try.

So far, it's been a struggle. But, I'm still working on it. What are the joys to having a child so strong-willed? Well, for one, I have come to the conclusion that she is a tough girl, and can handle herself in almost every situation. She's very confident that she's the best at what she does. Yes, she has her moments. She is unsure of herself at times. Recently, she sent me a text while she was supposed to be sleeping, and said that she's thinking of quitting band because it's too hard for her. She says her brain just doesn't like to learn, and she doesn't know why. The next morning, we talked about it, and she said she was going to tough it out because "I know I'm smart, and I know I can do this. I just have to push myself." Can't ever tell that one she can't do anything!

What about the joys of a child with ADHD, ODD, and SPD? This one is a little tougher. With him, I'm learning to take a step back and check out my surroundings first. Check for things that could possibly be uncomfortable or stressful, and for the things that are pleasant and relaxing. I'm trying to see things from his point of view. Something that I can clearly see is a beautiful red flower, may in fact be an extremely bright red, one that causes him to be uneasy. He also slightly motivates me to be more active. I can hardly keep up with him, but when I do get down and play with him, we have a great time. Not to mention, he gives a killer massage!

What about having a child with HS? While it's kind of hindering when she's sick and I can't go shopping, it also means that when certain people try to invite themselves over, I could say "Sorry, G isn't feeling well. Her doctor only wants for her to rest. Maybe next week." Or if people invite us over and I don't want to go, I can say that she's too sick to travel/visit. It also means that she's super cuddly most of the time. When she's sick, she just wants her mommy. I get to baby her a bit longer. Every new milestone she meets is a blessing. Her immune system will always be crappy, she will likely be fatigued most of the time, and she'll always be slightly weaker than her peers. But when my baby girl started walking, unassisted, at 9 months old, I was the happiest mom around. My sick baby was walking sooner than other healthy babies. Not to brag or anything, but I think my baby is super advanced for her age winky

So, while each one of these circumstances is not what I envisioned, I'm learning that it isn't as bad as I thought. It's a slow process, and some days it's hard to see the silver lining, it's really not THAT bad. So for me, I am learning that this IS a perfect life. For me. Might not be everyone's idea, but I am with my children and my wonderful husband. I don't think I could ask for much more. As for my house being a mess all the time? It was clean last week. Sorry you missed it!

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